The Refined Comedy
by lexbria
Summary: First in my Wrestling Classics series. Adam, Jeff, Skylar, and Andy take a tour through God's lands with Shawn as their guide. What could possibly go wrong?
1. Intro

Intro

They wake up to find themselves in a dark, gloomy forest, the trail they had been hiking on hidden completely from site. None of them can remember the events which brought them unto this travesty, but each is ready to blame the next. The place where they've been abandoned is dark. Tangled vines wrap themselves around mauled trees and daunting noises can be heard in the deafening stillness. The sounds of monsters, too frightening to mention here, get closer and our heroes huddle up together.

One of the girls, petite with big, dark brown eyes, looks towards the sky. She sees the light, shining down from a hill in the distance, seemingly offering protection from the dangers of the shadowed forest. She informs her companions and they attempt to climb, but are stopped by three ravenous creatures, a sleek black leopard, a vicious snarling lion, and malevolent she-wolf (like in the Shakira song).

Paralyzed by fear, they turn back to the deserted forest, wallowing in fear and sadness until they spy a human form in the distance. The spirit reveals himself to be The Showstopper, The Main Event, The Icon, The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels! Pleased to see him, the group gathers around him, begging for his assistance in escape from the dreaded forest. He agrees.

They start to walk, following the spiritual being deeper into the forest. He explains to them that the she-wolf will kill all that approach her, but one day a hound will come and chase her back to hell where she belongs (much like his ex-wife Rebecca). Until then, they are forced to take another path to the hill through the place of eternal punishment, then a place of lesser punishment, and finally to the paradise in the sky, God's city.

They are excited, but nervous all the same. They can't recall any who have travel through God's world of eternal punishment and returned, except for that dead guy who wrote a book about it, but surely _they_ couldn't be on the same level as that man, to make it through Hell and back! Shawn tells them of a woman, the departed mother of one of their own, who has taken pity on their wayward souls and asked Shawn to come down to and accompany them on their journey through the Underworld.

The children (or young adults, now) are comforted to know that the woman they have looked up to and been protected by all their lives is still there in spirit, watching over them and ready to lead them back to the path of righteousness. Thus they follow Shawn deeper into the woods, landing themselves in front of a gate. The inscription reads _Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate_, Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. They begin their journey into Hell.


	2. The Inferno: At the Gates

Chapter 1 (Andy's POV)

'_I wonder why everyone is so mad at me,'_ I thought to myself as we passed through the gate. The guys hadn't talked to me since we left on our hike, except for Jeff and Skylar, who had been especially cuddly as of late. Of course, they've always the optimistic ones. On the other hand, I'm completely in love with Adam and always have been. But lately he's been so distant, and I'm afraid our little friend back home Lita might have something to do with it.

I'm pulled from my thoughts by a cold, ethereal feeling. I lift my head. A lowly spirit has passed over me and is wandering around with seemingly no particular destination in mind. Flies buzz around his head as he is stung repeatedly by wasps. Worms hang off of him, feeding on the tears he cries and the blood from the stings.

"This is the Ante-Inferno," Shawn says, gesturing outward around us. "In Hell, yet not truly part of it. These are the souls of people who never really made a choice in life. No good, yet no bad. Like on that poster you wanted, Andy. Heaven won't have me and Hell don't want me. There are also angels, the ones who didn't pick a side on God vs. Satan, and blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah-"

I tune him out and look around, noticing the other souls. They all seem to be chasing a poster that was constantly just out of reach.

"Hey, what's on that paper?" I ask, pointing at the flying sign. Shawn looks over, then back at me with the bright blue eyes I had grown so accustomed to. You know, before he died in the... incident.

"Nothing," he says, shrugging. "And blah blah-"

"Wait, what?" Skylar says, turning back to him.

"I said the worms feed on the tears of the innocent."

"Ew, gross," Jeff said, sticking out his tongue. "I mean, what did you say was on the paper thingy?"

"Nothing," Shawn said slower.

Adam speaks up. "You mean, they just run around all the time after a blank poster?"

"Well, technically it's a banner, but yeah." Shawn could be such a diva sometimes. "It's blank, just like all their choices in life."

"Ah," we all say, nodding in understanding. Deep, noncommittal symbolism and what not. Skye's probably eating this shit up. We watch for a little while longer until Shawn hauls us forward. We come upon a huge river (Shawn calls it the Acheron) and stop, noticing the crowd of people standing around us. Some are normal looking; old people, kids, people with one arm hanging down from a strip on skin, stuff like that. But there are others that look not so normal, with huge tumors for faces and pale, sickly looking skin. One guy keeps hitting things because he has no eyeballs. I always knew Jeepers Creepers was based on a true story.

Shawn explains that this river marks the border of Hell, where the newly dead souls wait to be taken across. A boat in the horizon has a deformed old man steering it. His name is Charon (it says so on his name tag) and he is ready to take these tortured, dire souls across the Acheron to their place of eternal damnation.

"Hey," he yells at Shawn. "Aren't they alive?"

"Yes," Shawn says, leading us up to the boat.

"Well, they can't get on!" Charon yells back in anger.

"Why the fuck not?" Randy yells.

"Because only the damned are allowed passage on this ship."

"Too late for them," I hear Shawn whisper under his breath.

"Look, the Big Man Upstairs told me to bring these kids on this trip. Strict orders. Now if you wanna go and argue with him-"

"Okay, okay, fine. But I'm not being held responsible if something bad happens to them."

Charon reluctantly docks and allows all of us on the ship. It's cramped and crowded and I'm pretty sure I got some eyeball slime on me. Which is gross. Shawn tells us that we're lucky Charon didn't want us on his ship. That means we're all destined to live in the Holy land, or at least in purgatory. A low rumbling in the depths of the river shake the boat to the core. Fire and wind shoot up and surround us is a sudden explosion. Jeff and Skylar scream, then promptly fall to the ground unconscious. What a couple of babies.


End file.
